Let me explain a little bit about my childhood with him before I tell you about the journey where I struggled to find his love.
growing up I saw him as a very mean person. He hardly smiled or laughed at home. He never relaxed or watched TV during the day time. Even at night he only watched news. He always spent time in the backyard doing something. He had a very bad temper but he always had a soft spot for me. He did tell me he loves me, he kissed me, hugged me but it wasn’t like my mom’s love. He showed his toughness more than his love. Even though he did fulfill all our needs as a dad, he was so strict on us. Those things lead me to have a fear of my dad. Whenever he showed his love to me, I took that opportunity to question, and laugh about his toughness towards to us. Every time I did that, he just smiled and walked away. Surprisingly he never got angry with me for doing that.
My dad was very healthy. I’ve never seen he got sick. When I was in high school, he started to get sick. After getting plenty of treatments for different sickness, he still was not normal. He was suffering from heavy fever with a swollen body.
One evening me and my mom went to hospital to see him. My dad was sitting on the hospital bed sadly, and told my mom that doctor asked my mom to meet. We could see my dad was sitting on the bed, and straightly watching us as we were walking to meet the doctor. The doctor gave us the most devastating message that nobody should ever get in that evening.
Imagine your dad is staring at you expecting to return to hear the message but the news you got was not something you want to drop into his ears. I mean how can you go, and tell your dad or your husband in my mom’s cause, that they found that he has a cancer, and he has only 3 months to live.
My mom went crazy, and she could not walk to dad. I looked at my dad, he was nodding his head from far away watching my mom leaving without even looking at him. Then he looked at me hoping an answer. I was shocked. My legs were shaking. Tears fell down continuously as I tried to stay strong but I couldn’t. I went half of the way to his bed, and said that we’ll come to see him in the morning. You might think why left him alone making him feel confused but we didn’t have any choice.
Living but dying…
Our lives wandered every possible places to find a way to bring this only man of three of our lives (My mom, my sister, and me). There were many sleepless nights crying and watching he is in pain but the hope, strength, love made this man to get up and try harder to live little longer for us.
Even though doctors said he could live only 3 months, my dad’s strong heart forced his body to live 2 more years. He could have lived more if he didn’t get into an accident, and ignore the cancer treatments. For that 2 years, he suffered a lot but he didn’t give up.We had enough money, and a way for living but he did not stop what he was doing to keep us safe, so he continued to work as usual while going through all the treatments and process a cancer patient have to go through.
Some days he was lying on the bed, shaking with heavy fever and looking up to the ceiling. Then turn back to my mom and said, ” I wish I could live longer until my younger daughter which is me get married.” He got so sick time to time, we forced him to give up on the job but he fought with us to go to work. I thought he is crazy to go and work when he had so much pain in his own body. After having a broken leg, he still continued going to work with walking aids. We were so mad at him for being so stubborn but now I see me being a mom what made him to do so.
Once I got so mad with him because when my mom tried to take out some money from bank account for his treatments, my dad didn’t let her. That account had plenty of money but my dad was so mad, and he didn’t want that money to use. Finally my dad spoke up. He said ” that money I saved for little one( he called me ” little one ” ) for her wedding one day. I am not going use that money on my dying worthless body”. I just argued with him for saving money and not using when he needs it but I didn’t have a chance to thank him for what he did. Even though he was battling with the cancer, he did not forget any responsibilities that Sometimes we forgot that he was a cancer patient.
Your dad silently gives many things in your life time but most of them you notice and appreciate until way after he is gone, so if you have a dad, you are truly fortunate. Take a moment, and just tell him how lucky you are to have him, and how happy and grateful you are to him.Thank him for being there for you, and let him know that you notice his broad and deep love even though he never tells or shows you.
My husband always says ” when our son gets older, he will give kisses to his mommy but only a hug to me”. This words coming from a dad. We hardly hear this like this from a dad’s mouth but this is what every fathers’ wish, so please give your dad a kiss, and say you love him. Moms, sisters, aunts, and all the females, please encourage your male figures in your life to kiss your dad and show the love just like they do to mom, no matter how tall and aged they get. Dads hardly cry, show their feelings, but they feel and they wish things just like moms do. It’s our duty to understand those feelings, wishes, and hopes and make them come true.