My Dad Did Not Love Me Unconditionally…

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 YES, you read it right.He did not love me unconditionally. Growing up that’s what I always thought.
Since the Father’s Day is almost here I thought this is the best time to share the story as a tribute to this silent brave man who lives in heaven now.
I’d like to dedicate this post to all the amazing dads ( including my wonderful dad, my husband’s loving dad, and to my husband who is an amazing dad to our son) father figures, and any male who touched the heart in a good way. I appreciate your continuous presence, silent sacrifices, and deepest love. Thank you for all the support and simply being there for us.

Growing up…

Let me explain a little bit about my childhood with him before I tell you about the journey where I struggled to find his love.

growing up I saw him as a very mean person. He hardly smiled or  laughed at home. He never relaxed or watched TV during the day time. Even at night he only watched news. He always spent time in the backyard doing something. He had a very bad temper but he always had a soft spot for me. He did tell me he loves me, he kissed me, hugged me but it wasn’t like my mom’s love. He showed his toughness more than his love. Even though he did fulfill all our needs as a dad, he was so strict on us. Those things lead me to have a fear of my dad. Whenever he showed his love to me, I took that opportunity to question, and laugh about his toughness towards to us. Every time I did that, he just smiled and walked away. Surprisingly he never got angry with me for doing that.

Only thing my dad enjoyed was making fun of me when he was in a good mood. No matter how much older I got, he never saw me as an adult. Since I was so scared of him, I didn’t want to close to him. I hardly asked anything from him, and I didn’t like to spend time with him. Honestly I loved my mom so much more than him. I never wanted to dig deeper, and get closer to my dad. I thought there will come a time for that adult conversations and closeness. one day, one thing changed our entire life up side down, and I never got the chance to discover the unconditional love behind his conditions or to get close to him.

 Life changed…

My dad was very healthy. I’ve never seen he got sick. When I was in high school, he started to get sick. After getting plenty of treatments for different sickness, he still was not normal. He was suffering from heavy fever with a swollen body. 

One evening me and my mom went to hospital to see him. My dad was sitting on the hospital bed sadly, and told my mom that doctor asked my mom to meet. We could see my dad was sitting on the bed, and straightly watching us as we were walking to meet the doctor. The doctor gave us the most devastating message that nobody should ever get in that evening.

Imagine your dad is staring at you expecting to return to hear the message but the news you got was not something you want to drop into his ears.  I mean how can you go, and tell your dad or your husband in my mom’s cause, that they found  that he has a cancer, and he has only 3 months to live.

My mom went crazy, and she could not walk to dad. I looked at my dad, he was nodding his head from far away watching my mom leaving without even looking at him. Then he looked at me hoping an answer.  I was shocked. My legs were shaking. Tears fell down continuously as I tried to stay strong but I couldn’t. I went half of the way to his bed, and said that we’ll come to see him in the morning. You might think why left him alone making him feel confused but we didn’t have any choice.

Living but dying…

Our lives wandered every possible places to find a way to bring this only man of three of our lives (My mom, my sister, and me). There were many sleepless nights crying and watching he is in pain but the hope, strength, love made this man to get up and try harder to live little longer for us.

Even though doctors said he could live only 3 months, my dad’s strong heart forced his body to live 2 more years. He could have lived more if he didn’t get into an accident, and ignore the cancer treatments. For that 2 years, he suffered a lot but he didn’t give up.We had enough money, and a way for living but he did not stop what he was doing to keep us safe, so he continued to work as usual while going through all the treatments and process a cancer patient have to go through.

Some days he was lying on the bed, shaking with  heavy fever and looking up to the ceiling. Then turn back to my mom and said, ” I wish I could live longer until my younger daughter which is me get married.” He got so sick time to time, we forced him to give up on the job but he fought with us to go to work. I thought he is crazy to go and work when he had so much pain in his own body. After having a broken leg, he still  continued  going to work with walking aids. We were so mad at him for being so stubborn but now I see me being a mom what made him to do so.

Once I got so mad  with him because when my mom tried to take out some money from bank account for his treatments, my dad didn’t let her. That account had plenty of money but my dad was so mad, and he didn’t want that money to use. Finally my dad spoke up. He said ” that money I saved for little one( he called me ” little one ” ) for her wedding one day. I am not going use that money on my dying worthless body”. I just argued with him for saving money and not using when he needs it but I didn’t have a chance to thank him for what he did. Even though he was battling with the cancer, he did not forget any responsibilities that Sometimes we forgot that he was a cancer patient. 

After he got sick, he hardly talked to me. He started to blame me and my mom for every tiny thing. He sometimes hated to see us. There were times when we went  to hospital, he just didn’t want to see us. Me and my mom cried hours sitting at the hospital bench, and then  we would go back and see if  he is calm. I can go on and on. It’s clear to me now that he did all because he suffered a lot thinking that he was going to miss us.
One Sunday evening, my dad wanted to go home so badly,but it didn’t happen. He was very upset. Next day morning me and my mom went to see him. He took his hands, and put them on his belly just like the way people put dead people’s hands together. I quickly grabbed his hands but he repeated it. he wanted to convey the  message since he couldn’t talk. Then my mom whispered to him about all the good things he had done to us. when we went  back in the afternoon,the boy we have kept to look after him was feeding him. I went to my dad, and grabbed his hand. Soon I realized that he has gone. The boy said my dad just had some soup and asked the time. I’m sure he probably hold his last breath as much as he could to say good bye to us but we didn’t get that chance. The worst day in my entire life. I don’t think I have to explain how that moment was after. You can imagine. 
Every body who had spoken with him said that he talked proudly about me making his dream come true graduating from the university, and becoming a school teacher but he also had worried a lot about us being alone when he is gone.  He never talked any of these with us but he had  suffered not being able to be there for us to see us succeed..
 He had kept extra  money everywhere in his office with  messages on them to remind us the things that he used to do as a dad . His friends told us, after he found that he had a cancer, he gathered all the valuable information at his work and documented everything. He had planned everything accordingly to make things easier for us when he not there to support. He sacrificed his pains, aches, inability,and entire his life for his family. What an amazing man he was. We were shocked for everything he had done silently.
He used mean behavior just to make it easier  for us to learn  life  without him. His anger used to distance himself from us. Looking back it’s all clear to me now. I didn’t hate him but at the same time I couldn’t make him feel loved. I couldn’t tell him how special he was to me. He loved to be loved but he never showed that. My fear for him, made each other distance.
He really was a unbelievably amazing dad. He never refused to give anything to us. He was willing to pay any money for our education even after my sister married to her husband. My dad treated his son in law as his own son. No matter how hungry he was, he never took his meals without my mom. He never did anything without discussing with my mom. If my mom says something, he made sure to make that happen. We were never allowed to have any arguments with our mom.  I’ve never heard my dad complain about anybody. I can go on and on, can never finish, Unfortunately all of those things I see now after he had gone.
 I think to myself all the time, “wow! Is this real? How come a person  could love this much, unconditionally?” I wish I could hug him one more time, and tell him that I love him so much, and thankful for him for everything he did. I never got a chance to show him that I loved him. I didn’t even know that I loved him this much until he’s gone. I still can’ t believe that he has gone. I wasn’t comfortable enough to talk about his death for a long time. Even today I had my own moments while I was writing this but I thought he deserves appreciation,and respect more than letting his memory to fade away.
 I see this silent man as a hero, a true one, because he really is. He had a difficult childhood to shaped up to this angry person just to safe guard himself. Then he was strict to protect three females in his life but inside he was a very sensitive and kind person.
My dad loved to see my sister and me having kids. Now that I have a son, I’m so proud to say I made that dream came true. Only thing missing is his presence but I know he is looking at all of us as a proud dad. He promised us that he is going to protect us even after he’ s gone, and  I know he is there protecting  and guiding  us. I love and respect my dad so much.
It’s a been hard to write the painful memory of him but it’s worth to have documented this pure love behind this brave man. One day my son will read this,  and realize what kind of man his granddad was, and why his mom loved and respect her dad so much.
My only wish  if I have one last chance, is to tell my dad that I love him more than he can ever imagine. As I always say, the most beautiful thing I keep in my heart is my dad, and I am so proud to call him my dad.
 I am a fatherless daughter, and never had a chance to have that father daughter strong bond. I see my little son is so attach to my husband, and that makes me so happy. I always tell my son that how much his dad sacrifices and loves him. I just want  my son to realize the effort his dad put to make his life comfortable and turn him to a better person. I will make sure my son knows all the behind work his dad does from the moment we had an idea about him till now and to the end of this journey. I am so happy that my son getting something that I missed.

Your dad silently gives many  things in your life time but most of them you notice and appreciate until way after he is gone, so if you have a dad, you are truly fortunate. Take a moment, and just tell him how lucky you are to have him, and how happy and grateful you are to him.Thank him for being there for you, and let him know that you notice his broad and deep love even though he never tells or shows you.

My husband always says ” when our son gets older, he will give  kisses to his mommy but only a hug to me”. This words coming from a dad. We hardly hear this like this from a dad’s mouth but this is what every fathers’ wish, so please give your dad a kiss, and say you love him. Moms, sisters, aunts, and all the females, please encourage your male figures in your life to kiss your dad and show the love just like they do to mom, no matter how tall and aged they get. Dads hardly cry, show their feelings, but they feel and they wish things just like moms do. It’s our duty to understand those feelings, wishes, and hopes and make them come true.

What you like the most about your dad?
describe your dad in three words in the comment section.
Have a wonderful Father’s Day weekend everyone!
Love
Chaza.
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16 Comments on “My Dad Did Not Love Me Unconditionally…

  1. Sharing something personal needs courage! Thanks for sharing this post. I truly loved it.

    If I have to describe my father in three words then:
    Smart, loving, compassionate

  2. Its beautiful when someone can be honest and vulnerable about such a difficult experience in their life. Truly a great read.

    I would describe my dad as caring, tough, and thoughtful.

  3. I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad when I was still studying. I wish a dr had told me I had 3 months with my dad … but he died very suddenly due to cardiac arrest. He never had time to arrange things or to show us how he much he loved us. We are just left with this fragmented memories…

    What would I not give in return to have a conversation with him!

    3 words- I miss him!

    1. I am so sorry to hear your loss too. I can imagine how you feel. I know exactly how hard and how much you miss him, specially when it’s happened unexpectedly. I’m sure he is looking at you, guide you, and proud to have a daughter like you. God bless you and take care. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.Visit me here and talk to me anytime you need.

      1. i can understand this in a different way, the loss of one is big and hard to overcome. i pray you find the strong heart to overcome it all… i have my dad alive but my mum is no more… so in a way i get the message deeply…

        thanks for sharing.

  4. I am so sorry for you loss 🙁 . My dad had cancer almost 2 years ago but it was treatable and now he is better but I know how much it hurts because my boyfriend lost his dad 5 years ago and they were very closed.

  5. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing such a personal post. That takes a lot of courage. Fathers are so important. I’m glad that you get to look back on your father with find memories of his sacrifices and love.

  6. Wow, this is so heart warming and intense. My father did not love me unconditionally either so I was unsure where this was going. It’s incredible to appreciate the things they do give us.

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